Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
😏😏😏
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.