I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
dutch so unserious
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.