[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
we all know this pain all too well
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
ok hear me out: Luigiana
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying