Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Awwwww shit.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread