Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me