For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
this is the best day of my life
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
He wanted to make sure😂
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.