Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Dead sexy!!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true