Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
😅🤣😂
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.