The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.