*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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I’m about to risk it all
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
*lint rolls you awake*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”