my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.