Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest