Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Waiting for the Charmin
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
It’s the weekend y’all
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
bears
subtitles are so good nowadays
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.