When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.