The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Guy who likes music
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.