My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Well, this is awkward
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit