A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
RT if you know someone like this!!!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?