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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.