I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…