Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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sensitive skin
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles