SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
calling in to work dehydrated
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Breaking news:
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I’m confused about plants
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.