colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
shut up and take my money
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch