1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
real
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler