Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.