running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Great Canadian literature.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I enjoy a good short stor
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.