I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
This kid will have a bright future.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.