My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: