Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
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Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening