His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*