Me trying to reach for my goals
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Realize this:
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.