People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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smartest karate player in the world
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.