GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
hi why am I like this
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
man: wait
time: no
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.