I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
CUTE CAT‼︎
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.