Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.