[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
It’s an epidemic…
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream