I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again