[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I thought this was funny lol
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.