“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky