If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I don’t think my car can fly
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.