Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
why isn’t thunder called soundning