Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
“I wouldn’t.”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now