DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
You Might Also Like
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.