I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
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A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry