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a rare painting of a porcu’melon
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
me and who
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.