[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
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Morningbreath
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“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
When I said I liked it rough.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.