[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Wednesday
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP