[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
You Might Also Like
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Chemical wingman
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.