14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations