Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.