Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow